december 31th, 2021

i feel sick. and i probably shouldnt. and i feel sad. i feel horrible
i shouldnt feel awful because tomorrow the year ends, and i should be happy because its a "special day" but i feel like vomiting because im remembering everything all at once
its not technicaly traumatic i guess, just everything that makes me feel like everyone hates me. im being reminded of everything that makes me feel like a mediocre artist, a mediocre person
im tired. and tomorrow i want to sleep until late. but i wont. because i want to get drunk and high and do something ill regret. like ruining a friendship, or whatever
i dont even feel bad because of my constant fear of reality and the future. ive been counting down my days ever since i realized how quick things go, and i already wasted a lot of time. it hurts yeah, but its kinda old and stale. like chewing gum?
im just, tired. and im depressed and i feel sick and whats worse? i cant even be poetic about it. i cant put my pain into the right words in the right order that will pull a wrench in someones heart and they will look at the screen, inevitably looking at me, and say: this is me.
even this pretentious rant is forced, false, whatever. you can tell my weird try hard attempt at being poetic, edgy, misunderstood. misunderstood in a way that is unique, and entirely complex. but im not. im just sad. and nauseated. and i want to get drunk, and do something ill regret.
im so frustated. everything creative that i attempt to do is entirely short lived and now ive been staring at my window wishing it was open and finding that entertaining enough for the next week or so. and ill do that and ill keep doing that and i wont open my window
i wish i was like those creative unique artists, sure im troubled but my art is creative, i may hate it but in the eyes of others it means something. i cant do that.
it doesnt help that i feel like everyone hates me, people keep trying to illicit a reaction out of me again and im just tired i dont want to do this dance again im trying to be the bigger and better person, but im just 17. and ive also been a child for way too long. and ive been nothing for way too long. just let me stay holed up in my room and give me some alcohol.

december 8th, 2021

today kinda sucked. i didnt have the energy to talk to my friends much and i just wanted to disappear all day
college has been stressing me out an incredible amount. i feel like such a dick because im the only one whos not happy about passing at the first stage of the entrance exam. i know that im supposed to be happy about it but im so stressed out i cant even enjoy that
i have no idea if ill pass and i dont want to move to another city and ive been just generally loathing myself so much i cant properly enjoy any of this i cant even believe in myself and think that ill pass and im so tired i dont want to do anything
this sounds like whiny teen whining, i know, but thats what has been going on in my mind so

on a lighter note my mom let me get one of those signs that say "smile! you are being filmed" and i hung it up on my wall alongside some other stuff i found (a pokemon poster, a poster i got from an art convention and my sally face mask i made myself)
tomorrow hopefully ill be able to hang up the rest of the stuff i have. i have a bunch of posters that have been sitting around for about 4 to 5 years now and i cant stand leaving them to just.. sit there and catch dust. and also ive been dreading how most of my life i never had a room that i enjoyed or could call my own
like teenagers usually have cool rooms and whatever but i never really had that. and its not even because my parents wouldnt let me i was just too sad to do anything so i just sulked in bed all day
despite things kinda sucking atm and me being depressed again, im happy that i get to decorate my room how i like it. once my mom gets ink for our printer ill print out some band stuff and put it on my wall too

hopefully ill feel better in the next few days

december 7th, 2021

aah shit i haven't touched this website in a while ''~__~)
i'm so rusty.. when i have free time i'll try and code my page of original content (i.e art and original characters)
that might take a while tho, im struggling a bit with mental health lately which is exactly why i'm writing on this diary again
i'm doing better compared to 2015-2020, i guess. but i'm still not really happy. i always have this empty feelin and i'm constantly tired and generally upset but it's such a vague feeling that i can't put into words and genuinely vent about it. idk it's been annoying me, and ironically making me miss how i could easily rant about something that has been making me depressed at my worst, but now i'm just... sad.

i've been also too tired to deal with people. i can't bring myself to talk to people for 2 reasons


i convince myself that everyone hates me, so i just isolate myself because just even seeing that someone left me on read or didn't reply hurts a lot, other times i'm just isolating myself because i can't bear to try and guess wheter someone likes me or is just keeping me around out of pity. so i just... don't reach out to anyone
maybe this is because i made the wrong friendships during most of my life. during childhood + before i found comfort in the internet all my friends at school made me the butt of the joke, never let me into any inside jokes or petty gossip (so i pretended to have severe memory issues just so that people would: 1- find me funny because i didn't think i was smart, or handsome 2- let me into the friend group because it's not like it mattered if they told me a secret i'd forget it anyways. the irony of it all is that years later i'd actually have memory issues. oops)
and when i made online friends, i was emotionally abused, cheated on, lied to, manipulated and guilt tripped. i think my friendships have only actually became healthy recently, but it's not like it undoes all the damage. not to mention the good chunk of my life where i was alone, and only had one friend to keep me company (obviously that ended badly)


i'm just.. too tired, and too empty, and i get easily annoyed and i can't help people with their emotional issues, and it's not like i even want to. people tend to come to me for advice, or to have me hear them vent and i don't have it in me to tell them "hey! i can't deal with this shit right now go to a therapist!" because i posed myself as someone who helps others with their issues. but now that has been wearing me out, because that's what i've been doing most of my life even when i was too young and unqualified to deal with issues like depression and anxiety, sometimes even worse issues like self harm and suicide.
i just.. can't deal with those issues anymore. and i don't want to. i don't know how i was able to talk people out of killing themselves, or talk them thru self harm but i just forgot all that and i can't do those things anymore. which i guess it's good. i don't want to go back to when i was 14 and constantly thinking about suicide and how i'd talk my friend out of it, and their possible replies and my "magnum opus" that would make them rethink that entire thing. that was all i thought about when i was 11 to 14. and i hate it. i hate how it's semi recent that those vicious thoughts finally stopped because i had to go thru the same thing when i was at my absolute worse, possibly having a psychotic episode and smoking constantly just to aliviate the stress, and i had to move on and find better friendships (which btw i could only find offline because everyone online seems to think that theire e-friends are emotionally prepared for all the shit that they will throw at them, and that they must be subjected to it because if they don't they're a horrible person neglecting a depressed, anxious and suicidal person and leaving them for dead just like "everyone else did")
idk. i don't know if any of this will make sense. but i'm just tired. and i think everyone hates me and i'll never be happy
the weird thing is that, i think because of this pattern of toxic friendships and relationships i've had since i was a kid, i have this ingrained idea that there are people who are protagonists, and some that aren't. and i'm not those "protagonists" that are "destined" to be happy. i mean, i've had mostly bad friendships, only a couple didn't leave me scarred or didn't end in a completely bitter way, i've been lonely, i've never been interesting, i don't experience attraction like most people, i've always been slightly off (even if i know i'm able to relate to others, people just don't seem to actually like me. i don't think, or at least hope, that people hate me right away, but no one seems to like like me.

i don't know. i'm just tired i guess. none of this made sense and it's probably me venting about past traumas and how empty i feel, or whatever. i don't know. anyways i'll hopefully update this site because i really hate how this page looks and i want to change it up to a different aesthetic, to make it feel more like me

but yeah, thats about it. i'll go get some water and try to cheer up

october 10th, 2021

finally i sorted out a journal page! >:D i wanted to do this for a while and i finally decided to sit down and do it!!!

anyways.. i haven't touched this website in a couple of days cuz i was out of town for 2 days
i was in another city visiting a friend for his birthday :D
it was fun but tbh getting there was really chaotic ~__~ i skipped class cuz at 9am i was going to get my hair done (to trim it, straightnen and style it in the emo hairstyle i love) but also i had a test that day so i somehow had to fit that into my schedule (which magically i ended up doing) then we had to pack in a rush and go to the bus station at 1pm
from there was a 2 hour trip to the city i was going to see my friend. my mom rented an airbnb for us because the road there is really dangerous like it would just curve to an ungodly degree and it wasnt exactly ideal to drive back home at night. so we slept there for a day!
i got ready for the party and once i got back to the airbnb i fucking blacked OUT.
and btw that apartment was fucking haunted. the city is very empty and always windy, so everything was kinda of howling all the time. also the wind blew the shower water sideways @__@ so that was fun.
at night im pretty sure something.. cracked? behind me? i almost fucking shit myself lmao
and the ride back was just as much of a hassle. the only bus ride back home was at 4pm and thankfully the airbnb owner let us stay until 3pm so we didn't have to aimlessly wander around the city until our bus came
it took us about an hour to find an uber to the bus station lmao (and we almost lost our bus) and we were left no options but to take a ride from a random guy from the gas station. we nearly lost our ride but somehow we are just very lucky (⌒_⌒;)
anyways i just got home! my cats missed me & my mom so much i cant imagine how we are going to deal with them once we have to go on an actual trip or smth oh my god. or how we are gonna deal with them when i go to the slipknot concert this year